Restless
by Palaven Blues
Summary: Forced into a Cabal, then forced out when she couldn't fall in line, Ceres has grown tired of living on the fringe, and is about to explore her potential. OCs, later intersection with canon. Part of my Riders in the Sky continuity. For the February OC contest at Aria's Afterlife.


"Chew on that," Ceres muttered, before chittering under her breath in excitement. The last of the data loaded onto her omni, and she went to work wiping her digital fingerprints from the system. Another five-figure payday, and she'd barely even broken a sweat. _And I got to undermine the scavengers who think they can run the galaxy, too._ She snarled to herself, always angry at them. They had placed her in a Cabal, then thrown her away when she wasn't exactly what they wanted. They could all go choke on bone splinters, scavenging lot of ...

_You're drifting again. _She finished eliminating any trace that she had been poking through their accounts and padded to the door. She paused with her hand half-reaching for the door controls, head tilted. Voices drifted down the hall.

"_Just a blip, but we gotta check every damn glitch." _

_Shitmouth!_ Voice like gravel, heavy footsteps. Krogan security guards. Ceres gnashed her teeth once, letting the metallic spears slide against each other. Then she slammed her mouth closed. She didn't have time to lose herself to panic.

_You already did the math,_ she reminded herself, striding over to the window. _You know you've got this._ She threw open the window and lifted one leg through, claws scrabbling for purchase inside her boot. _You've done this a hundred times before._ She pulled her other leg outside and slid along the edge, pulling the window shut behind her. Her head swam looking down on the lights of the aircars so far below. She'd never done it from this height. She was confident that the numbers would work out. Inside her gloves, her talons clenched, refusing to let go, to take that leap of faith into open air.

_Unless I can slip back in and get by them, somehow? _Her stomach did slow rolls, protesting the distance to the ground. Math or no, her guts squirmed at the thought of doing this again, little _kantha_ beetles burrowing under her abdominal plates.

Light glared through the window; the guards had made it into the office she'd just vacated.

_Well, shit._ Biotics flared to life, enveloping her in a gentle blue glow that _hopefully_ would slow her descent enough for her to walk away from the fall.

Fine-tuned senses told her the krogan footsteps grew closer to the window. Before they could decide to open it and look for the intruder, Ceres let go of the building and dropped.

#

_Sweet spirits, she's warm._ Ceres growled softly to herself as she slid into the covers. Drell ran so _hot._

"Don't give me that growl," Sayya murmured. "You were supposed to be home three hours ago."

"Traffic was bad," Ceres said, nipping at Sayya's neck. She laid her arm around Sayya's waist, loving how her own too-pale ash grey looked against the darker green of the drell's scales.

Sayya snorted, rolling to face her. "Traffic." Her lips quirked to the side. "Really."

"It was awful," Ceres confirmed, fighting against her mandibles twitching into a smile.

"Not funny." Sayya poked her fused finger into Ceres's chestplate. "I had to throw your dinner out."

Ceres sighed, mandibles drooping. "I'm sorry. I told you I might be late."

"And mine, as well."

"Sayya!" Ceres threw the covers back and stomped to the kitchen. "I asked you to quit doing things like that." Pots and pans rattled as she found the red-marked ones for cooking levo-based foods. Infuriating woman, sometimes.

Sayya's voice in the doorway made Ceres nearly jump out of her plates; she'd never even heard her move.

"If I ate without you, and then slept without you, I would hardly remember we are actually a couple."

Ceres's mandibles clicked in irritation, but she smothered the sound, setting down the wok. She studied her feet a moment before she could respond. "I'm sorry, love." She crossed to Sayya and twined their fingers together. "You know I'd never want you to feel neglected. I can take some time off. Spend the next week cuddling and watching bad holos." She watched Sayya carefully, wondering how badly she had hurt her this time.

Sayya smiled then, warming Ceres again. "That sounds perfect. But, not this week. I have to leave the day after tomorrow, to do some work at the temple." She rose up on her toes to bump her forehead against Ceres's.

"Deal. Now, what would you like to eat?" Ceres asked, turning back to the stove. They could each get a little something, then snuggle for a while before they slept. They'd both feel better after they got some food into them. She didn't realize she was favoring one foot until Sayya noticed.

"Why are you limping?"

Ceres froze halfway to the stove; Sayya's tone was sharp enough to cut. "Umm ... I, uh ..." Mandibles flailed as she sought a decent excuse. Honestly, she'd forgotten about the ankle; it was just a sprain, from hitting the ground too hard. Now it hurt again, but it hadn't a moment ago. She wasn't hiding it ... but try explaining that to to Sayya.

"Let me guess ... traffic?" Without waiting for an answer, Sayya dragged a dining chair over and pushed Ceres into it.

"It's not that bad," the turian protested, but Sayya ignored her, kneeling to examine one taloned foot. Suddenly, Ceres was five again, being scolded by mother for climbing trees in the Citadel's parks and falling out. _Not my fault turians aren't designed for trees._

"I keep telling you, your work is too dangerous. You are going to just not come home one night." Her knuckle ground into Ceres's ankle, green lips pressed into a hard, thin line.

Ceres yelped and pulled her foot back. "Like the hanar won't have you killed, if you keep agitating?"

"They will do so politely, though."

"No. We're not laughing about this." She strode away, but stopped in the doorway, bracing her hands against the doorframe._ Deep breaths. Fix this._ Spirits, she needed a drink right now. "Look, I know your fight to get the drell a real home of their own is something you need to do. I get that. So even though it makes me sick every time you leave, I let you go. Sayya, this is what I need to do."

"Thieving!" Sayya shook her head, eyes wrenched shut. "You cannot compare—"

"I am helping fight against corruption, just like you." Her tone had started slipping away from her; Ceres made an effort to bring it back down, keep her volume reasonable.

"Oh, I forgot. You stealing corporate and government secrets to 'earn' hundreds of thousands—"

The lip twisted in contempt was too much for Ceres. "Well, someone has to earn the credits to keep us housed and fed! Freedom fighting isn't paying many of the bills." The moment the words escaped her, she wanted them back. Catch them, shred every bit of life out of them. Instead, all she could do was watch as they struck Sayya, the force of them making the drell's face crumple. Ceres took a step forward, but stopped, one hand half-reaching for her.

"No, wait, Sayya, I didn't mean it."

Sayya eyes fluttered, blinking too fast as she visibly regained her composure. She nodded, then smoothed her nightgown against her hips. "I am not feeling very hungry. I think I will return to bed." She glided past Ceres, giving such a wide berth that Ceres couldn't even reach to touch her as she went by.

_Good hunt, Ceres. Try to wreck the one good thing you have going in your life._ She waited a few seconds, then slunk into the bedroom, tears stinging as she saw how Sayya had curled up on the furthest edge of the bed. Ceres sat down, careful not to invade Sayya's space. Her hands itched to gather her love into her arms, but Sayya didn't like to be touched when she got angry. Instead, Ceres's hands balled into fists, fighting her natural urge to give and receive touch for comfort.

"Sayya, please. I'm sorry."

"No, that was me." Sayya's voice was thick with tears, and half-muffled by the blankets. She hunched further into the bed. "I hate leaving you. I worry more when I don't know if you are out there hurt, sometimes."

Guilt tore at Ceres; how was it always worse when Sayya apologized? "I'll forgive you if you forgive me?"

Sayya hitched a deep breath, but when she spoke again, she no longer sounded like she was keening. "Spoon me, would you?"

Sighing in relief, Ceres shifted toward her, nuzzling her shoulder. "Look, I ... I can still relax this week while you're gone. No work, safe at home. And we can do something nice when you get back, okay?"

"You're too good to me sometimes," Sayya said.

"Oh, shut up." The guilt worsened, feeling like scavengers tearing at her. It was never Sayya's fault, she knew that; every time Sayya said it was, Ceres died a little, knowing she had fucked up again. "And roll, it's my turn to be the little spoon."

#

Ceres smiled as she woke, noting that Sayya must have adjusted the windows to keep the light out, letting her sleep in. She yawned before climbing out of bed, making her way to the kitchen with her eyes still half-closed in sleep.

The kitchen was dark and silent.

"Sayya?"

It took Ceres a few minutes to find the note taped to the door.

_ Ceres,_

_ Out for a bit. Picking up some things for my trip. Assault rifle mods, warm clothes. Message me if you need anything and what you would like for supper._

_ Love,_

_ Sayya_

Ceres grumbled to herself, crumpling up the note. Sayya didn't need rifle mods for temple work. She just hoped they weren't blowing up another Enkindler monument. Well, they would discuss that once Sayya got home. Probably not until supper, and hoping Ceres had forgotten about the rifle mods.

Mandibles clicked together in irritation. She probably _would_ forget about the damn rifle mods, was the thing. That's why it was mentioned in a note, while Sayya was already gone. She opened her omnitool to see if they were any contracts to pick up, then closed it again. She'd promised not to. She paced the apartment, stalking her thoughts like invisible prey. She wasn't allowed to work, but Sayya was putting herself in all kinds of danger. And slightly lying about it. She opened her omnitool again and set a message reminder for this evening, typing in _rifle-mods very pissed not-fair._

The apartment started to feel much smaller than usual as she continued her prowl. Her stomach reminded her that it was well past breakfast time, but she felt too angry to cook. She could find something to do at the apartment, but she would never manage to sit still enough to read, and damned if she was going to clean their apartment while Sayya was out buying _rifle mods._ For _temple work,_ she reminded herself, not noticing the little growls that escaped her.

If she stayed here, she'd likely bite Sayya's head off the moment she came home.

_It's not fair. What she's doing is more dangerous, but she bitches about what I do. I should be able to tell her what I think of that._ She should, but somehow every time they got into an argument, Sayya ended up winning everything and making Ceres feel she'd fucked everything up. The low growl started to build until she noticed it, snapping her mouth shut and trying to force the anger down. No, if she talked to Sayya like this, she'd go too far. Skip right past explaining her position, and into accusing. Instead, she stormed to the door—_not quite as effective when she can't see it—_and strode out of the apartment, out into the Citadel proper.

#

Her feet carried her to the wrong place. She had just started walking, with no thought to where she might be going. That had been a mistake; now rows of bottles glittered at her in the storefront, talking to her.

_Hey, Cissy, remember us? Sure you do! Remember how we used to make it all better?_

Her throat spasmed, and she clenched her hands into fists, thin rivulets of blood running out from her palms. She'd forgotten her gloves.

... the liquor would help. One good wallop to disinfect the new holes in her hand, and several more wallops to disinfect the inside. If she started drinking now, she wouldn't be so pissed once Sayya got home.

_Sure, that's how it works. Drinking always left you so reasonable and level-headed._ Her feet stayed rooted. She knew she needed to walk away, but the bottles seemed to have acquired the gravitational force of small suns. It wasn't possible to leave their pull. Spirits, her mouth was so _dry._

Eyes still fixated on the display of dextro drinkables, she typed a message into her omni.

_Phareux. Could use your help. -C_

Ceres wasn't the only one in the family to deal with this particular problem. Her dad may be a deadbeat piece of shit, and maybe her sister _(half-sister) _didn't acknowledge her, but her brother was okay; so okay she rarely added the "half" part to his title, he was just her brother, and that was that.

The reply came back almost instantly: _Don't do it, Cissy. Can you hold out a few hours? We're about to hit the Citadel for supplies. I can meet you tonight._

Ceres sighed deeply, too many emotions heating her blood. Relief warred with shame, and overlaying them both, guilt that she was bothering him while he was out on-duty. She almost typed back that he should never mind, she'd be all right ... but sense won out, and she only sent back a thank-you. She whirled away from the liquor display, stalking out into the crowds. Just a few hours. Just a few hours, and she'd get to talk to her big brother. Checking the time, she saw it was later than she'd thought; how long had she been staring, exactly? Had she actually lost time while fighting the demons in the bottles? She shook her head. It didn't matter. She would still be home before Sayya could think she was late. She hurried in the direction of home, hoping to just keep things pleasant until she could talk to her _phaerux_ and sort herself out.

#

Ceres resolved not to fight Sayya tonight. She stood with her hand on the door plate to their apartment, taking deep breaths until she felt dizzy. Sayya hadn't done anything wrong, it was just that drinking time had come around again. She knew herself; she knew she tried to pick fights when she needed an excuse. Sayya hadn't done anything wrong. She repeated this to herself a couple more times, each repetition settling on her shoulders, slumping them under the weight of all the guilt. She took one final deep breath before letting herself into the apartment.

Laughter hit her as the door opened. Who was here with her? Nerves jumped as the laughter rang out again, and Ceres's stomach twisted. She didn't want to have to deal with strangers, not tonight, and when Sayya was about to leave. Why would Sayya bring someone tonight? She crept toward the kitchen on predator's feet, silent as she listened.

Sayya sat alone, talking to someone on her omni-tool.

That was a relief, at least. Then the smell of alcohol hit Ceres, and her knees buckled, nearly dropping her to the floor. She sat heavily, at the opposite end of the table from Sayya.

_Why? Why today, when she almost never drinks?_ "Sayya—"

The drell only held up her hand, telling her to wait while she finished her call. To the unknown face on the omni, she chattered for a few more minutes, chattering away while Ceres stared, incredulous.

Little beads of condensation decorated Sayya's glass. Ceres's eyes tracked them as the glass raised up to Sayya's mouth, moving to the pink liquid as it poured into Sayya's waiting mouth.

_Why, why, why?_ Her hands clutched into fists again. This was cruel. This was insane, to bring liquor home when she knew Ceres had a problem.

_No, no ... it's not her fault. She just forgot; she doesn't have to think about it._ She licked her lips again; her mouth had never been so dry in her life. She only needed a little sip. It didn't matter that it was levo, she could usually handle levo if it was alcoholic. She only needed just a little.

Her omni-tool beeped, and she tore her gaze from the drink to open the message. It was the one she'd sent herself earlier, _rifle-mods very pissed not-fair._ Ceres started to feel a headache brewing. It wasn't fair.

_I'm not allowed to do what I need to do, but she's out being a revolutionary and trying to get herself killed, and coming home and drinking. Right in front of me._ Her mouth was dry, but her hands were wet again, her talons buried deep in her palms.

"Sayya!" she snapped. "I need to speak to you, if you don't mind." Her voice carried enough for the person on the other end of the call to notice; they made some excuse and signed off.

"Well, that was unnecessary." Sayya folded her hands on the table, her calm gaze turning toward Ceres.

Ceres fought against every hateful, rage-filled word clogging her throat, clawing its way out. She swallowed them down. She had to stay calm. "We agreed," she managed. "We agreed no liquor in the house."

Sayya sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. "Ceres, this is levo, not dextro. It should not be an issue."

"It is!" Ceres yelled, slamming her fists against the table. Blue smears stared up at her, accusing, when she moved her hands. She'd lost it. Temper and patience and any semblance of self-control. It was hard to keep her tone low over the roaring in her head. "Sayya, you can't just—"

"No, Ceres, you cannot. You cannot dictate whether I drink."

Ceres gaped as Sayya got up, taking her glass and dumping it in the sink.

"There. Are you happy now? Your tantrum has deprived me of something I wanted." She crossed her arms, large dark eyes still staring, still calm.

"Sayya, this isn't—"

"Of course not. And you also will not be explaining to me why I should not go to temple?" She blinked once, slowly. Still so calm. How did she stay so calm like that?

"Sayya, one has nothing to do with the other. You _agreed_ not to drink around me, and it isn't fair that you can go get yourself killed while I—"

"Ceres, please. You cannot throw a fit every time you do not get your way."

"But I didn't ... that's not ..." Ceres shook her head. That's not what was going on, but she was just so confused now. Rage and thirst and worry all swirled together in her skull, building the pressure of the headache until her vision blurred with each sick, thudding pulse of it. "Sayya, I ..."

Sayya rumbled, a particular drell sound that Ceres had learned to associate with disgust. Then she turned to the cabinet, taking down a new bottle.

Unopened; not the one she'd poured her other drink from.

"Eventually, Ceres, you're going to have to learn how to be an adult."

"Saya, don't ... don't do that." Ceres trembled with the effort of staying in her chair. Half of her wanted to go take the bottle away and drink it all, the other half wanted to smash it, and then shake Sayya until she stopped doing these things.

"If you cannot handle this relationship, perhaps you should stay elsewhere tonight," Sayya said, opening the bottle and bringing it to her lips.

"Or maybe I should leave entirely," Ceres snapped. She lurched to her feet, knocking into the table. It wobbled, but didn't tip. _Don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. _She tried to call herself back, to stop stomping toward the door.

"Enjoy your trip, Sayya! You'll never see me again once you go."

#

Ceres sat, ignoring her coffee as it got colder. _You handled that badly._ Guilt smothered her in its crushing weight. Sayya always said, that temper would ruin everything. _Not my fault._ Was it? She couldn't tell. It seemed that every fight ended up being her fault ... but that couldn't be right _all_ the time, could it?

"There you are, Cissy."

Ceres flared her mandibles, trying to smile as her _phaerux_ slid into the booth across from her.

"Spirits, Cissy, you look terrible."

Ceres chuffed; while he might have _some_ small point, mesh and bandage covered half his face, speaking to a much worse month than she'd had.

"Are we not going to talk about what happened to you?" She reached for him, but he pulled back.

"Oh, that. It's nothing. Minor disagreement with some mercs. It's healing up." He twitched one mandible, embarrassed. The mandible not caught up in the bandages, she noticed.

"Must've been quite the disagreement," Ceres said.

"Never mind." Her brother waved for a server and started pointing out at the menu, ordering enough for a whole unit of turian biotics. He handed the menu back, leaning toward Ceres. "So, what's going on, Cissy?"

She shook her head; anything she was dealing with clearly didn't measure up to his troubles. She opened her mouth to say so, but the words that came tumbling out were, "Sayya's _mean."_

Ceres stared at her big brother in shock. She hadn't meant to say that, but now that she had, the tightness in her stomach started to fade away. She took a deep breath, and found herself explaining everything. Her _phaerux_ only listened, not interrupting, and spirits, wasn't that an odd feeling, to be able to say what she needed without being cut off?

Partway through, the food arrived, and her brother pushed most of toward her. She ate, hardly noticing the taste or texture, just swallowing food in between bursts of her story, the way everything seemed to be turned around to be her fault, the manipulation, finally tonight, the liquor. At some point, she realized she was all talked out, and the food was gone.

Her brother still sat across from her.

"I have to leave her," Ceres said. The words sounded unbelievable. She couldn't mean that, when everything was her fault, but ... "I have to leave her," she said again. "Don't I?"

_Phaerux_ opened his mouth, but she answered herself before he found any words.

"No, don't answer. I have to leave her. She's no good for me." She took a long, shuddering sigh.

"Feel better?" her brother asked.

Ceres chuffed laughter, and after a moment her brother joined in.

"I just can't believe I didn't see all of it before," she mused. She took a deep breath, enjoying that she _could_ breathe deep again. How unhappy had she been the past two years?

He started to say something again, but this time, his omni cut in, beeping insistently. "Shit, that's ... that's her. I think I have to go."

"Has she noticed you yet, _phaerux?"_

"Don't start." His good mandible slammed closed as he squirmed. "We'll catch up on me next time. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah." She thought about it, listening to her heart's steady rhythm. The urge to drink had passed again, for the time being. Now she'd made the decision to leave, most of her anxiety had flown away. "Yeah, I think I will."

"You have somewhere to stay? Money? Do you need anything?" His omni beeped again, and he started getting up, but he didn't walk away yet.

Ceres grinned. He was a good brother, even if she couldn't discuss her career with him, ever. "Go, _phaerux._ Before she leaves you and you never see her again."

"No, it's not like that. I just have to do a few things. We're not leaving tonight." He waited until she climbed to her feet, leaning hard against her side once she stood next to him. Ceres braced her feet and pushed back. It was an old gesture. Other races like the asari and humans did something similar, wrapping their arms around each other. Ceres rarely got to do the turian version; she missed it.

"So, Cissy. Are you ...?"

She stood tall, matching his posture. "I am breaking up with her."

"That's tough, kid. I'll still be on the Citadel tonight, if you need me. Even if you don't, come by and see me. Let me know how it goes."

"Will do, _phaerux._ Now _go,"_ she half-yelled, pushing him a little as his omni started beeping steadily.

He left a credit chit on the table and jogged away, answering the call as he went. "Yeah, on my way. Sorry, a ... personal issue."

Ceres watched as he left, wishing he could have stayed longer, but knowing he had other things to do. She wondered if it was time to switch careers, maybe. Do something a little more important. A little more turian.

_Not like I'm getting Dad back by being a thief. I'm not even sure he knows._

_First things first,_ she reminded herself. First, she needed to break it off with Sayya. Entirely, permanently. No guilt-trips or manipulation allowed.

"Shouldn't try that at home, then," she said. Sayya couldn't do her whole manipulation thing in public, right? Ceres ground her teeth a little. Nausea roiled in her stomach. She should just go crawling back. She was wrong, what did _phaerux_ know, anyway?

_He knew I wasn't happy._ Ceres slumped back down into the booth. She spoke into her omni, spitting the message out and sending it as fast as she could, before she could change her mind.

"Sayya, need to speak before you leave. Filarah's Diner, as soon as you can." Her heart thumped alarmingly fast; this was a bad idea. Sayya was going to flip her _shit._

The asari server came by, and Ceres waved her down.

"Bring me all the greasy meat you have," she growled.

The asari nodded, eyes wide.

Minutes ticked by as Ceres waited. Her talons tapped on the table, drilling panic-music into the surface. Her food arrived before Sayya did, and Ceres ate, bringing the food to her mouth and chewing without much noticing it. _I really need to learn not to eat while I'm stressed. I'm not even enjoying this._ Her stomach hadn't mounted any protest yet, but a sinking feeling that it might soon grew in her. She didn't stop eating until she'd finished everything. She debated a moment over whether to order more, but then Sayya walked inside the diner, slipping over to the booth and standing next to it. Her face serene, her voice quiet once she spoke.

"Well, if you are quite finished—"

"I'm breaking up with you," Ceres said. The words stunned her in their power. How many nights had she spent blaming herself for every disagreement? Was it really just five words to set her free?

Sayya hadn't spoken again, only standing motionless. Waiting, seeming to loom over Ceres. Like the giant _velrak_ snakes that would lie waiting, then pull you into the water, never to be seen again.

Ceres blinked, trying to get the image out of her mind. "Did you hear me? I said—"

"I do not have time for your foolishness. I will see you when I return from my trip." Sayya whirled, her saffron temple robes belling out as she walked away.

Ceres cursed herself; of course, Sayya had only been waiting so she could speak over her. "I won't be here," she said. She stood, speaking to Sayya, who was already halfway to the door.

"Do not make a scene," Sayya warned.

"This is no scene, but I will speak, and I will speak loudly enough to be heard." One hand reached out to clutched at the table, keeping her balance as her head tried to float away. Apologies lined up in her throat, demanding to be let out. It was always her fault; it had to be her fault now, as well.

Sayya came back, her voice low enough for no one else to hear. "You are acting childishly. We will discuss this when I return."

"_No."_ Ceres swept one leg in front of her to show she was not backing down. She didn't care if Sayya didn't understand the gesture; she'd had enough time to learn some of them, but never bothered. "I am not waiting here for you. I am breaking up with you. I will pay for two months on the apartment, and after that you'll have to start paying rent or find another place. I will remove my things and be gone long before you come back."

"Ceres," Sayya whispered. Her mouth trembled, her eyes filling with tears.

Every impulse in Ceres said she was wrong, she needed to beg forgiveness, except ...

Except Sayya hadn't been sorry until she knew Ceres was really leaving. The only times she ever apologized, it got turned around to Ceres making her feel bad.

"Good bye, Sayya." Ceres walked away from her for the last time, not noticing that she'd been holding her breath until she got outside and start gasping, great whooping breaths. She could feel Sayya still inside the diner, waiting for Ceres to turn around, to come back and grovel, like she always did.

Instead, Ceres walked away.


End file.
